Totems and Spirits In Me

Spider:

Spider has been with me for a long time, I think it has been with me since before, or right about the start of puberty. I spun many webs, most of which were dangerous even to myself. I made a sticky mess of a lot back then. So much so that I was sent, through juvenile authorities, to FLC, where I got to meet a spider.
I was the caretaker of a specific plot of land at FLC, simply called my "Space". On this space was a very large Juniper bush. Near the center of the bush on the east side was a gap about 1.5 feet wide and 1 foot tall that every spring inhabited a single spider web, that filled that gap with amazing precision and patterns. On this web lived a colorful garden spider with a body about three quarters of an inch long. Yellow and green with long legs, it was simply beautiful.  Once this spider's home was built I was always careful not to disturb the web in the juniper, and spent many days talking to the spider, and admiring the web as it glistened in the morning dew.
I do not know the physical lifespan of spiders, but every year I was happy to see him returned and was always sad when his web was suddenly vacant and not long thereafter broken and missing. I still have an affinity for spiders, though I mostly prefer the colorful outdoor ones.
I think I am better at my web weaving now, though I still make a sticky mess of things on occasion, so maybe I should spend more time with my spider, and more directly commune with it.

Raven:

I first took the moniker Raven as a CB handle when I was 13. I do remember wanting something related to Eagle. I was a huge fan of eagles (the bird not the group, though they are good too) and Harley-Davidson t-shirts had them in abundance). But alas someone in the area already used the name Eagle, and of course the Iron Eagle movies made the name super popular, so I chose a different bird. I think I chose Raven because of the Edgar Allan Poe poem.

It would be when I was 17 that I would actually connect with Raven in a vision quest. A right of passage led by a man named Clark while we backpacked in the area of  South Lake Tahoe. Three days hike in we began the quest. We hiked all day to get to "base camp" on the third day. We set up camp and had supper, but then there were five of us who were going through the rite of passage. 

Each of us had to stay up the entirety of the night to prepare our bodies and loosen our minds for what would follow. A guardian (one of the other students not on the quest) would join us to help us remain awake, to keep us company. I seem to remember that we were fasting and silent after midnight, but it may had been longer. Before morning one our five quit. It was hard for me because it felt like a piece went missing when we first began the hike the next morning. Though that did fade, as I became  I still felt some sorrow for my foster brother having quit. I remember my visions began before the sunrise, in the fire and shadows around us, though I was able to speak of them the next night, I do not remember much more than fleeting images from the night.

The day hike we took next was to a peak.  The entire group of us hiked up to a summit, where all those not on the quest found private spaces to be and be with themselves and nature for several hours while those of us questing, and Clark, ascended the peak. After a sleepless night, silence and no food since midnight, I was feeling pretty wonky and struggled with continuing. More than once I wanted to quit, but pushed through.

Upon reaching the peak, we each laid out our bedrolls and were finally allowed to sleep.

Sleep came quickly and while I expected dreams, as that was what Clark had said was the most common place the visions occurred in, I could remember none when I woke.

When I woke, only about 2 and a half hours later, I was presented with a sight that tore at my heart. A father and son had also ascended the peak. They were very respectful of our process, and spoke in hushed tones at the edge of the peak. But the sight was hard for me in my weakened state.  All the emotions and thoughts about me and my dad being unable to do this type of thing, ever, came flooding into me. I could not keep myself from crying.

Not long after I woke, the father and son left the peak and the next event happened. Where I saw a Raven protecting her nest. Fiercely defending what I am sure were eggs, she fought off a hawk. Now its important to note that I really did not know at that age the differences between the various birds, so while it is completely possible that I had labelled both birds incorrectly, something in me knew it was a raven and a hawk. I felt an emotional connection to the Raven immediately, I could feel the fear and the anger, and the love, all for her young and when I imparted the potency of what I saw and how I felt that night, 

The hike home for me was solemn, though I was no longer bound to be silent, I found myself too inwardly focused to really join in the joviality of my peers.

That night after dinner we all sat around the fire and spoke of our journey.  The things we saw, the thoughts we found ourselves returning to over and over again (beyond the I'm tired and hungry bits). And when I imparted my visions, and how they all seemed to happen in my waking state, I at first had thought I failed. But I spoke of the half creatures that came for me from the shadows, how a lion in the fire kept the shadows at bay and even touched on some of the many glimpses of things I couldn't explain. When we came to speak of my experiences on the mountain, Clark assured me that my experience was perfection, that we each see our visions in our own ways. We each assimilate the spirits speaking to us in ways that we can understand. Each of the four of us who completed the quest had recognizable visions that seemed to put us in touch with a totem. Clark informed us that many may have come forward during the ritual, but to just rest with what we had seen, and our minds, and our bodies would accept what they could, and that's all that mattered.

I knew then that Raven, who I later would be named Destil, would stay with me for a very long time, and she still is.

Blue Dragon:

Ancient, he seems older than this world, at times seeming as if he breathed it into existence. His wings are like satin and his scales shimmer in the moonlight, glistening with droplets of everlasting water. The grace with which he moves strikes me with awe every time I see him. You would not expect something with such size and bulk to be able to move so fluidly.

Blue Dragon by 

He comes to me in dreams. I have memories of him, and can see him clearly in my mind's eye, but the only place he comes to me is in my dreams. I do not know his name, and have never tried to give him one. Somehow his very essence is beyond being named. He has never spoken to me, I could not even guess if he is able to. His movements are the answers to my questions, His breath and beauty are his gifts to me. And even the whip of his tail is gentle, but sharp enough when my attention wanders too far. His presence soothes me, and after he visits my dreams, I awake, usually before my alarm, with a calm readiness to the day.
Normally I see him swimming in an ocean deep inside the earth, a great cavern. not unlike the great cavern Gandalf falls into with the Balrog at the beginning of the Two Towers movie. Recently however I have seen him in the open air swimming in Lotus Lake, which is a lake outside in my dream world, my place of peace where I usually can retreat to when I need a moment alone or am seeking any of my guides. I take this as a good sign that I am becoming more integrated with myself. The need to be compartmentalized, to keep different aspects of my world segregated, is waning.
My Dragon is timeless and his presence feeds me by allowing me to move both with and as him, in the water and in the air. There is nothing quite like being the dragon-rider at one moment, and being the dragon in the next. I like to think this is me, and I will return to him when this world ends for me.
He is Uncorruptable.

Willow:

New Tattoo, Spring 2013

I have long had a special place where I could see myself. Where I could find various parts of myself when they were broken or hiding. A place that I found when doing a sort of guided meditation. Different things have been added over the years, but it all started with a willow tree, standing alone in a meadow of purple grass.

While Eucalyptus trees were more prevalent in my youth (Albany, CA up on the hill above Vista Elementary School), I always liked looking at the weeping willows. In the Celtic traditions, I have since learned, the month of April is the month of the Willow, so it would seem I was born under the Willow tree. The private space where the Willow tree grows, the one where I have invited so few others to see, is beautiful and growing. The life that exists there as more allies and guides find me seems to be ever blooming. The addition of Lotus Lake, where the tips of my leaves sometimes dip themselves in and feeds the soil the water it needs to continue stretching and growing toward the sky.

I wrote a poem about my experience as the Willow in life, it can be found at The Willow (2009).

Bear:

Merak, the Loin of the Great Bear came to me after being re-introduced/re-awakened to spiritual work and personal healing. He came to me in dreams, and I still see him regularly. He seems to be my most potent of allies, though he does not demand being considered more important.
When I first saw The Giant Short-Faced Bear, I was in a timid place. I was very uncertain of who I was, and often felt powerless in my own life. I had recently become friends with a dream worker, and after taking some advice from her, I tried, more consciously, to remember and recall my dreams. After doing so, the bear came to me as if to say, "It's about time you pay attention to us."
After a series of dreams where he revealed himself to me, I asked him who he was, and he gave me his name, which I initially thought was Merrick. We talked for ages sitting under The Great Willow next to Lotus lake. He was from the stars, come to me through loving starfields. A true gift from the Universe. When I awoke the next day I quickly found myself trying to find out what kind of bear it was who now offered to guide me and gift me so.
It took some time to find him, and as it turned out there are no more of this bear still living on Earth. The Great Short-Faced Bear, Arctodus Simus, was the largest of the bear family, reaching weights of 1200 pounds and standing over 6 foot tall, when on all fours. Easily 12' tall, when standing erect.
After learning what he was, I began to wonder about the importance of who...

Merrick. I began searching for the name among mythos and legends and was not finding my answers. So I searched the stars. Well, really I searched Google, but input "Merrick Stars". And what came was a corrected name... Merak.
Merak means the Loin of the Bear, and is the name given to the Beta Star (second brightest) of the Ursa Major constellation. Merak is the first pointer star (The first guide to finding the North Star). And there I had found so much more than I could ever have imagined. The synchronicity of information and emotion and sensation were thrilling. The more I learned, the more I accepted.  The more I accepted, the easier it became for me to accept Merak as not just an ally, not just a guide, but part of me.
I am the bear.
I am Merak.

The Stag

Recently I attended a High Seat ceremony of the Seidr Tradition. An honoring and summoning of the Norns. This oracular ceremony invites attendees to ask a question of the Norns.  I received a great gift from them, and now I am aware of The Stag.  A scribe took down the words that came from our encounter, and I later transcribed them onto the computer so I can study them more fully, and not forget. You can see them here
The next day I attended an energy workshop (Systemic Constellations) where I was put in a position to feel the Stag's energy very directly. My intellect got in the way a little afterwards and I struggled a little with embodying more of the Stag. The dreams through that night, and the progressive thoughts the next day led me to even more discovery into what it means for me the embody the Stag.  I look forward to how this new totem will affect me, and what He has to teach me.

The Others

I know many other animals and spirits and such have tried to, and some with success, touch me over the years. I could never even remember them all, and I have tried. But some of the one's I can recall and bring to light are here. I would be open to stronger connections with these spirits and totems, and who knows how many may find me as I continue on this journey.

• Blue Whale - from a recurring dream often as a child, and again at least three times as an adult.
• Porpoise - Effected in several ways while in the Navy watching them play in the wake of our ship.
• Eagle - As a child and nearing puberty I wanted to be an eagle.
• Butterfly - One of my favorite subjects as a photographer.
• Cherry Blossoms - Something about the color of cherry wood, and the peacefulness when cherry blossoms are flowing around me.
• Pegasus - I never knew why, but pegasus was my other method of flight as a teenager, could just be influence from Clash of the Titans